instead of posting 100 threads, lets just post all jokes in here. ill start..

a young boy is coming out of cathlic mass and starts crossing the street,
a man driving bye hits the boy!
the man, thinking the boy is dying, runs to the boy and says "son, do you want a priest?"
the boy replies "HOW CAN YOU THINK OF SEX AT A TIME LIKE THIS!"

It's on!

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He said: "Call for backup."

i'd need that with my wife

this is good!!


On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Should make this a sticky...

Should make this a sticky...

thats what i was thinking... should we let Clay know about this?

Justin started the thread, he should be able to do it...

You want to hear a joke? scroll down
































Women's rights.

A little long but just read! lol


Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."



have a great day everyone!

You want to hear a joke? scroll down












Women's rights.


simple , but funny. lol

simple , but funny. lol

I've almost gotten slapped quite a few times for that one.

Got parrots??



A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

niceeeeeeeeeeeee lol

TWO OLD FARTS

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead." "Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?" Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her," his friend says. His friend says, "could be worse, I think mine was a witch." "A witch??. . why would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window....took my teeth with her!"

TWO OLD FARTS

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel. The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead." "Dead?" says his friend, "why do you say that?" Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her," his friend says. His friend says, "could be worse, I think mine was a witch." "A witch??. . why would you say that?" "Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window....took my teeth with her!"
Funny!!LOL

A hippie gets on a bus and
spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks




"Can we have sex?"


"No," she replies, "I'm
married to God."



She stands up, and gets
off at the next stop.


The bus driver, who
overheard, turns to the hippie and says:


"I can tell you how to get
to have sex with her."


"Yeah?" says the hippie.



"Yeah!" says the bus
driver.


"She goes to the cemetery
every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in
a robe with a hood, put some of that


luminous powder stuff in your
beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."


The hippie decides to give
it a go, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday
night.



"I am God," he declares to
the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.


"Have sex with me."


The nun agrees without
question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate
not to lose her virginity.


'God' agrees, and promptly
has his wicked way with her.


As he finishes, he jumps
up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm
the hippie!"


"Ha-ha," cries the nun.
"I'm the bus driver!"

Lmfaoooooooooo

hahahaha! too funny!

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,

"Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,


"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.


The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,


"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

Good one man! Sometimes I hear that!!!!!!:D

A hippie gets on a bus and
spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks




"Can we have sex?"


"No," she replies, "I'm
married to God."



She stands up, and gets
off at the next stop.


The bus driver, who
overheard, turns to the hippie and says:


"I can tell you how to get
to have sex with her."


"Yeah?" says the hippie.



"Yeah!" says the bus
driver.


"She goes to the cemetery
every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in
a robe with a hood, put some of that


luminous powder stuff in your
beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."


The hippie decides to give
it a go, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday
night.



"I am God," he declares to
the nun, keeping the hood low about his face.


"Have sex with me."


The nun agrees without
question, but begs him to restrict himself to anal sex, as she is desperate
not to lose her virginity.


'God' agrees, and promptly
has his wicked way with her.


As he finishes, he jumps
up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm
the hippie!"


"Ha-ha," cries the nun.
"I'm the bus driver!"

lmfao dats funny as hell

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"



The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.



The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"



The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way . .

hahaha! wanna be a lion?!

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties. The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"



The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.



The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"



The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way . .
That is priceless! LMAO!!!!!

lmaoooooooo niceeeeeeeeee

lmao dats pretty good

A commercial airplane is in flight to Chicago, when a blonde woman sitting in economy gets up and moves to an open seat in the first class section. A flight attendant watches her do this, and politely informs the woman that she must return to her seat in the economy class because that’s the type of ticket she paid for.

The blonde woman replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

After repeated attempts and no success convicing the woman to return to economy, the flight attendant goes into the ****pit and informs the pilot and co-pilot that there’s a blonde bimbo sitting in first class who refuses to go back to her proper seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the woman and explains why she needs to move, but once again the woman replies by saying, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Chicago and I’m staying right here.”

The co-pilot returns to the ****pit and suggests that perhaps they should have the arrival gate call the police and have the woman arrested when they land. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.” He kneels down next to the woman and whispers quietly in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” then quickly moves back to her seat in economy class.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to get her to move back to economy without causing any fuss.

“I told her first class isn’t going to Chicago.”
:D

pretty good marty

A young boy say's to his mom "Does Jesus use our bathroom mommy?
The mother thinks for a moment, scratches her head and say's"Why do you ask such a thing?

The little boy responds "When Daddy comes down in the morning to use the bathroom he alway's kicks the door and say's "Christ,your still in there!:D

That was good.

Whats the most successful pickup line of all time?





Does this smell like chloroform

One more

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him " i'm going to become a hooker.I can make 400.00 for what I give you for free"

The husband said" i'm coming with you " I want to see you live off of 800.00 a year.

One more

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him " i'm going to become a hooker.I can make 400.00 for what I give you for free"

The husband said" i'm coming with you " I want to see you live off of 800.00 a year.

Awesome! hahahaha

das a good one

Joke i stole

your momma is so nasty she keeps a bag of ice between her legs to keep the crabs fresh.

Joke i stole

your momma is so nasty she keeps a bag of ice between her legs to keep the crabs fresh.

That funny Vince!

the Buffalo Theory
The "Buffalo Theory" of Beer..

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers, and that's why beer is so GOOD for you!

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday. :D

0 to 200 in 6 seconds
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday. :DLMAO too damn funny:hah:

A young man exclaimed that he used to get upset at weddings when all the old ladies would come up to him pinch him on the cheek and say "YOU'RE NEXT"!!!
then he said, but they quit doing that after he started walking up to them at the Funeral home and pinch them on the cheek and say "YOU'RE NEXT"!!!

A young man exclaimed that he used to get upset at weddings when all the old ladies would come up to him pinch him on the cheek and say "YOU'RE NEXT"!!!
then he said, but they quit doing that after he started walking up to them at the Funeral home and pinch them on the cheek and say "YOU'RE NEXT"!!!

Thats Funny! Good one!

After a day full of accidents and mistakes, my coworker had had it. "Why," she cried out in exasperation, "do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?!"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Girls night out Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the ****tails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

Poor guy A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Electric Train A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

Electric Train A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

That was funny as shit!!!!!

If you get a virus on your PC while looking at porn, is it an STD???

If you get a virus on your PC while looking at porn, is it an STD???
I see you picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!!!!!

I see you picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue!!!!!

Who said I quit...LOL

Need Samples:
An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

Migraine Cure
A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin.

"Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."

just read this whole thread, some funny jokes here :smileup:

my turn.

The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.

20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

18. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.

16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.

15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

14. Bad cop. No doughnut.

13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?

12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.

11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?

9. I pay your salary

8. So uh, you on the take or what?

7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.

6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.

4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.

3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.

1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

A couple only days away from marriage... The bride to be says, "Honey, I need you to promise me something". The man waits... She says, "I have an old cigar box; I need you to promise that you will never look in it". The man thinks nothing of it and give his word, not to peer into the box. Nearly fifteen years later, the couple purchases an new house and is in the process of moving. While packing, the man comes across the box. He remembers his promise and packs it away without looking in it. In the days following, the mystery of whats in the cigar box wears on him. While unpacking, the man once again comes across the box. He can no longer resist the temptation; he must look inside. What he found inside only added to his curiousity; inside was three crushed beer cans and $4.36 in change. The man, confused, puts the box in his wife's dresser drawer. All day, the contents of the box are on his mind. As the couple are having dinner, his curiosity got the best of him. He says to his wife, "I came across your cigar box twice while moving; I know I promised, but I had to open it". The wife says, "oh", in a disappointed tone of voice. He says, "Why was I not supposed to look inside, all that is in there is three beer cans and about $4 in change". She says, "Everytime I cheated on you, I drank a beer". The man, extremely upset, stays quiet for a few minutes and rationalizes the situation. He says, "So you've cheated on me three times in fifteen years, I guess it could be worse." He then proceeds to ask her, "So then whats the deal with the change"? The wife says, "Well......the cans got stacked so high I had to cash them in". lol

A young boy was preparing to be baptised. The preacher waided into the local creek where he had baptised children of the church for years. The nervious lad walked through the water, over the the preacher."Son, are you ready to cleanse yourself of all your sins?" "Yes sir" the lad responded. The preacher grabs the young fella by the head and dunks his head under water. "Son, Did you see Jesus?" the preacher asked the boy. "No Sir". The preacher dunked his head in again and yelled" Son, Did you see Jesus?". Spiting and shaken his head, "No Sir". Once again the preacher dunks his head under water and holds it under for an extra second or two. "Son, Did you see Jesus?". The boy replied, "NO SIR, are you sure he fell in here?"

HEAVEN OR HELL?

While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the Senator..

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven.."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell..

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"


The devil smiles at him and says,
"Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.."
Vote wisely on November 2, 2010

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me, how's your day going?" :hah:

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land, so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded,"What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care they turned me down."

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ."
The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East . I am not American."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from Africa .."
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"
The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."

A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist,
She asks, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes!" he answers.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes" he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asks.
"I can if I take two!" he answered.;)

On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart,' thought my friend, 'my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke to the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Ole & Lena lived by a lake in Nordern Minnesota. It vas early vinter
and da lake had froze over.

Ole asked Lena if she vould valk across da frozen lake to da yeneral
store to get him some smokes. She asked him for some money, but he
told her, Nah, yust put it on our tab.

So Lena valked across, got the smokes at da general store, den walked
back home across the lake. Ven she got home and gave Ole his smokes,
she asked him, Ole, you alvays tell me not to run up da tab at da
store. Why didn't you yust give me some money?

Ole replied, Vell, I didn't vant to send you out dere vit some money
ven I vasn't sure how tick the ice vas yet.